“Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner”

What is it inside the human brain that fuels the desire to plan for success? Is it the obvious fact that if you don’t plan to succeed, you are inevitably planning to fail?

That was really broad.

I’m talking about meal planning.

If we don’t go to the grocery store, how will we have food at home to eat? Do we prefer to eat at home? Or eat out? Eat out once a day? All 3 meals a day?

Wait, who is going to the grocery store?

All of us?

After work or on the weekend?

Why is this so complicated!?

My husband and I are responsible for feeding our 2 boys, dog and our cat. I’m addition to ourselves. It’s different now. Like so different.

Before I was a mother and wife, I ate out. A lot. Its difficult to prep, cook and cleanup for one single person. Three meals a day. I definitely ate out for lunch and dinner daily. It worked out for me. I was social and sharing meals with friends and family. Meeting new people and maintaining connections I valued. I rarely grocery shopped and almost never had dishes to clean.

Well… wasn’t that amazing.

Last time we went out to eat, was after our family Christmas photos. My one year old, Cody, ate the salsa that came with the chips freaked out and threw a tantrum not even 10 minutes in. My 6 year old , Connor, got 3 refills of soda and was too full by the time his chicken and fries came out to even eat more than 2 bites. My husband had 2 beers. I had so much anxiety about how loud, messy and chaotic the situation was. All I could think so do was shush everyone. My husband looked at me and could sense my anxiety. He has it to. The waitress is running by and he stops her and informs her that we need 2 boxes and the bill. We could not get out of there fast enough.

So, we don’t eat out. Like ever. We will pick up food or do takeout on the weekend a few times but for the most part, I cook. I feed us all.

I love having the control of what we eat. I love cooking healthy meals and preparing healthy snacks and lunches. I have vitamins for everyone. I take intense pride in my family being healthy and well fed.

The problem here, is that while I cook these healthy meals and prepare these healthy snacks, it isn’t always warmly received by my loving recipients.

Well, Cody eats everything I give him. That palate is golden. This kid still has the curiosity to taste everything and anything I am eating.

It’s the other two. They prefer to over indulge in Dino Nuggets drenched in ketchup. Also, they will sneak a little bag of peanut m&m’s or share a snickers bar right before dinner so they have no appetite.

Whatever. I win some and I loose some. I’m just exhausted. It just sucks when I’m going to bed and Connor is hungry. Like starving. He was full during dinner but now he’s starving so… I better feed him something if I ever want to hear the end of his hungry whine. Damn.

Then there’s breakfast which I make and I pack our lunches. Always 2 and sometimes 3. Dad still likes to eat out for lunch and hit up 7-11 for snacks. Sometimes I enforce a budget and I pack him a lunch.

The dog and cat eat too. They require food being poured in a bowl. They don’t hunt or catch their own food. Is that normal? Where are their survival skills? The cat actually does hunt and catches lizards, birds and plays with field mice but she doesn’t eat them. It’s just a game.

The strangest thing about eating and feeding people is you can’t ever “skip” this one. Also, it never stops. There is no break. We always eat.

What am I going to cook for dinner? Let me hop on Pinterest. Good night!

“Not The Favorite”

My heart sunk so deep that my stomach started to hurt. I cleared my throat to hide the fact that I was actually choking. Then, the tiniest tear emerged from my watering eyes. I tried so hard to just hold it in. I can’t let my child see me cry over this.

It’s natural for your child to go through phases of which parent they prefer. Typically, children are attached to their mothers first. Naturally. After all, the mother generally carries, nurtures and feeds the child for the first year or two of life.

Of course, every situation is different. Family dynamics are not all the same.

When a child is closer two years old is when they really start to bond with their father. Which is amazing! Mom starts really needing a break! The little person can now eat on their own, say a few words, laugh, smile, charm and is ready for fun and adventure.

Basically, Mom sets the human up and when human is set up then Dad comes in and the rest is history.

Gee. I wish I could be the Dad sometimes!

I’m grateful my kids have an amazing, fun and hardworking Dad to raise them and show them a good life. But dang. Being a Dad sounds amazing!

How To Do It All

Have you ever wondered how to do everything in a timely manner without being sloppy and cutting corners?

Is that even possible?

I’ve been experimenting for about 30 years now. Although my obligations have changed- ever so dramatically in this amount of time, the goal has remained constant.

Wake up, early. Breastfeed. Meditate. Get dressed. Do hair. Accessorize. Make coffee.

Wake up the kids. Dress the kids. Feed the kids. Make lunches. Clean up. Feed the animals. Brush teeth. Drop kid off at school.

Go to work. On time. Work. Be your best. Be happy. Smile. Have good vibes. Don’t get irritated.

Get off work. Go home. Breastfeed. Get ready for soccer practice. Fast. Get to practice. Say hi. Be friendly. Coach kid from the sidelines. Chase the other kid. Be affectionate towards the husband. breastfeed.

Go home. Make dinner. Eat dinner. Breastfeed. Clean up after dinner. Make sure homework is done. Start showers. Get in pajamas. Breastfeed. Watch a show. Tuck the kids in. Go to bed. Breastfeed.

Don’t forget to go pee. Text your friends back. Call your parents and check in. Make time to read a book and always make time to clean up.

5 days a week.

“What’s the secret“ you ask?

I wish the answer was hot rails of cocaine. But, we all know that has a downward spiral of it’s own.

The answer is there is no dang answer. Mindset matters. Routine matters. Organization help a ton. Meal planning helps. Setting your clothes out before bed helps.

No magic. Just the steps you know about. I will elaborate about the non magic steps next time.

Beautiful Life

I spent my Saturday breathing in the fresh air while the crisp wind blew through my medium length hair. I spent hours frolicking and exploring with my boys around the property.

I can’t help but obsess over their genuine smiles and adoration for each other, our lives and the simplicity in life itself. From picking up sticks and drawing in the dirt to eating sour grass and letting the grass hang from our mouths and pretending we are walruses.

I love nothing more than being a Mom to my boys.

It is absolutely exhausting, uneconomic and consuming. My husband and I both work all day during the week. Together we take care of the kids before work, after work and then completely evolve our weekends on the kids and their wants and needs.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Before becoming a Mom, I felt unfulfilled. I excelled in my career at a young age. I was independent. Self sufficient. I had lots of friends. I was constantly partying and always chasing that next “thing” that was going to give me the gratification I craved. Money, drugs, love, drama.

I chased healthy gratifications as well. Working out, obsessing over eating healthy, I read many books. It didn’t matter.

But…

The moment I found out I was pregnant with my first, I felt a purpose. I felt whole inside. I made a promise to myself to always be the most positive, present, supportive and loving Mother. I’ll sacrifice anything and everything. I just want my kids to have a healthy, pure, well rounded, cultured, open minded upbringing.

I know they won’t be young and simple forever. Our society is tragically complex and they will begin to feel the pressure of that sometime.

For now, I bask in their innocence with them. I get dirty. I ugly laugh. I make animal noises. I act like the biggest goof. I will embrace this for as long as the phase lasts.

Because of this, my life is so beautiful. I am blessed. I am grateful. Beyond happy, I am living my life with a purpose.

The Tooth Fairy

What’s the most epic way to pull a loose tooth? Brag and cringe worthy type of epic. Most tooth pulling ceremonies end with blood and a tear or two, might as well make it a radical story, right?

I noticed the new tooth growing in behind Connor’s baby tooth.

The double layer.

Front seat back seat teeth.

Shark teeth.

Jagged layers.

I wasn’t convinced this tooth would fall out on its own. I contemplated making a dentist appointment. I imagined them give him laughing gas and him just giggling through the pull.

He was scared. It was his first time. First times are the worst. A little apprehensive. Although, Connor really wanted that tooth fairy payday. He has a very entrepreneurial spirit.

“Mom! How much does the tooth fairy pay you?”

“It depends on how clean your tooth is”.

“My teeth are the cleanest!”

I started thinking about how to answer this. I believe I earned a mere $2.75 for my first tooth. Shit. That was almost 30 years ago. Dang it. These are the things that remind me of my age. And my deteriorating youth. What is going rate for a super clean, first tooth in 2022?

Sunday night as we’re preparing for Monday, he says his tooth is super loose and hurts when he’s eats.

“Pull it out, Pull it out” Dad and I chant.

He objects to pulling it out. Presenting a genius alternative. “Why don’t we tie a string around it and tie the other side of the string to a Gatorade bottle. Then, I bottle flip it. And my tooth comes out!!!!”

We are so down for this. Define epic, please.

Dad is tying floss to the tooth and then around the bottle. I have my phone ready to catch this colossal moment. Connor is very hesitant but he goes for it!!

Oh wait, the string fell off the bottle. Aw man! He tries again and the string falls off the tooth! Ok, Dad steps up the knot game hard. He uses a slip knot tie and the floss is secure around the tooth. Then does the slip knot tie around the bottle. Connor barely moves the bottle.

“Wait! Im not ready!” I shout and at that same moment the string flies out of Connor’s mouth.

“Did it come out?” we both ask. Tooth is not in the string. Ok, so we will try again.

“Wait! My tooth isn’t in my mouth! I lost my tooth! I lost!” I see a happy, accomplished little guy.

“Where is the tooth” we are all wondering. Not in Connor’s mouth. Not in the floss it was tied to. So we search the ground for the tooth. Dad finds the tooth.

Dang. It’s Sunday night before our work week starts. I try thinking about cash laying around the house. I have a stash with $20’s but I can’t think of anywhere with any smaller bills.

Dad says, “Where’s my wallet?” And I let him know it’s in the truck. He returns to tell me that he has $1 bill. No other cash I’m hand.

We can’t give him a $1. I got more than that 30 years ago! Did he earn a $20 crisp bill? Let me see.

A+ for technique on the tooth removal.

A- for tooth cleanliness.

A+ for a great attitude.

Dang. I’m setting the bar really high. $20 it is.

Lucky little guy.

“Blogger”

Do you ever watch those gorgeous girls on TikTok and think about the videos you can make and share with the world. Then, everyone can see and understand you a little better. Maybe you can help some people or start to create your dent in the world, however big or small that is. It’s a great start, right?

Clearly, I have given this much thought. I have a few strategies in mind of how I’ll make it happen.

I open my video recording app. Hair and makeup on point. Clothes are fresh. Jewelry, check. Ok, let’s do this. I mount my phone and start talking. Stop. Stop. Omg please stop. It doesn’t look right. Hmm. I feel cute until I start talking. Ok, I’ll try a filter. Natural? Ok, hmm. This is ok for now until I figure out. What’s wrong with my face? Wow. Ok there’s nothing “wrong” with my face. I mean, I’m by no means perfect. I don’t have a tiny nose or flawless skin. Wait. Why am I picking myself apart? I’m simply trying to get a message out and make a name for myself. Why does this feel so weird?

Because this isn’t me. I write. I narrate. Phew! Ok better. Now, I feel pretty. Confident. Knowledgeable. I have life experience. It’s all good. I am a writer. . now a blogger. Let’s go!

“Breastfeeding”

My youngest son, Cody is 1 1/2. He is breastfed. I have a lot to say about this “Hat” for a few reasons. One, it consumes so so so much of my life. Two, few of my friends breastfed like this, therefore I don’t exactly have someone who relates! Three, I don’t want to breastfeed anymore and I’m ready to stop… but I’m still breastfeeding.

It was exclusive until I went back to work, when Cody was 4 months old. I purchased a case of “Hiip” formula shipped over from the UK (I’m in socal) so my sister in law could use this when she did the takeover and I went back to work. I did a ton of research on formula and this one seemed to be the most like breast milk with no high fructose corn syrup, which was important for me at that time. Cody rejected my frozen breast milk and would only chugged a fresh pump. And, let me tell you, ain’t no full time; working, breastfeeding, dinner making, husband fucking, mother of more than one kid, trying to shower and brush her hair daily and maybe put some makeup on here or there have time for a fresh pump before work every day.

So there’s the formula introduction. Around 5 months we started the “Baby Led Weaning” and he did great. The kid can chow and has a great palate. He doesn’t do the formula anymore and really didn’t use the whole case we had of it. He drinks water out of a sippy cup, when I’m not readily available for a sap of milk.

So my question, and everyone else’s apparently, is why are we still breastfeeding? Like, really? Why? I’m pretty over it. I would love to have my titties back. I would love to feel, like aroused when they are touched, rather than on alert to start lactating. I feel like a god damn cow. No lie.

But. I know sentences should not start with the word “But”. But this one does. Plus, many more grammatical errors, so bear with me. But, I love it!!!!!! It’s kind of like how when you’re getting coffee and the barista puts it out and says “careful it’s hot” and you know damn well you’re gonna burn your tongue but you go in for a quick sap of that yummy hot vanilla latte with almond milk. And you burn your tongue. You knew you would but it was so worth it. You sometimes even go in for a second quick little sip. Sslllurp!!!

Ok so back to the boob food. It’s like, spoken so highly of to breastfeed your baby. We all know that and ultimately I am so blessed to be able to experience this and do this for my son but there are so many cons to breastfeeding. Like mentally. Seriously. I want everyone to know, it’s not rainbows and unicorns. I say this, after having not breastfed my firstborn son, Connor. Not much. I pumped for 6 months with him, but he was primarily a formula baby. I will tell his story another time. My point is that I have a diverse experience. When you aren’t breastfeeding, you can feed them and move on. When you are breastfeeding, you’re so much more in tune with your child and their body cycles. It sounds nice, but it’s exhausting if you have literally any other responsibilities. Their cry makes you lactate, ok. Every time this little guy cries, I whip out my tit and say, very submissively, “Do you want the boob?”. I don’t care who is around or where I am or anything. Just pull it out and make the baby stop crying. I can’t even handle it for more than a second. It gives me extreme anxiety. All of my friends and family have seen the boob. It’s not private anymore. Previously, I would have judged the fuck out of myself. Not gonna lie. Currently, I don’t give a fuck. Not one. I go into a frantic panic if he cries so excuse me but I need to get this boob to that kid before we both loose it.

Breastfeeding makes you tired and hungry. When Cody was around 2 weeks old I was exclusively breastfeeding. I don’t just mean him. I mean me too. I did nothing else. I barely slept, ate, showered, shit (thanks to the Percocets from my C section) I’d hold my pee, my husband brought me water. I was doing nothing else. My friends and family got us groceries and meals. My older son spent a lot of the summer with friends and family. This breastfeeding thing was extremely exclusive. It felt like a new relationship. That consumed me and made me so tired I could do nothing else. I googled it. I wanted to know how any new breastfeeding mother did any thing at all. I could do nothing. I also craved sugar. After the google sesh I learned I was lacking some nutrients. I ordered a breastfeeding protein powder, changed my food intake, got some new vitamins. It got better, a little. I’m still really tired all the time so I think got used to being tired. I also decided that despite being tired I still need to eat, shit, shower, maintain myself and take care of my other kid… and my husband 😉

The thing is, that breastfeeding isn’t my only responsibility. It is not the only “Hat” I wear. I’ve figured out how to continue living my life while I do this. We co sleep and breastfeed throughout the night. I breastfeed before his Dad takes him in the morning. I breastfeed while I eat. I put on my false eyelashes while breastfeeding. I’m actually breastfeeding right now as I’m typing this. The moment I walk in the door after working for 8 hours, Cody runs up to me and starts smacking my boob. Now that he is 1 1/2 he has learned how to play with toys and watch tv, a little. But. When I’m around the house and not breastfeeding him, so like when I am cooking, cleaning, showering or doing any other thing, he looses it. He screams and cries. And I hurry up whatever I’m doing to go breastfeed him. It’s like not normal. But, actually it is. Just not in our culture. Or my culture.

I do want to stop. If anyone has any non traumatizing success with this. Please, send help.

Thanks for reading!